Manifest Monthly: Reflections for When You're in the Void

P.S. There’s a meditation waiting for you at the end of this post.

I’ve just started processing my experience as a writer postpartum after the birth of my son. I’m adding these reflections as a series of parts with no real destination or meaning in mind. If you’ve ever experienced any postpartum mood disorders, I hope these notes make you feel seen, heard, and affirmed. And, if you’re still in the depths of it, I found this resource to be incredibly helpful along with doing the hard work of reaching out to people who love and care for you.

P.S. There’s a meditation waiting for you at the end of this post.

My son was born in March 2023 and I don’t remember who I was before I met him. I don’t mean this in a romantic way, I mean this in a true and honest sense of unknowing. I can’t feel or hold the weight of my old self. I don’t remember her dreams or thoughts or her motivations for life. I see her vaguely, as a thin plastic over something it’s meant to protect. In this way, I think I’m now a truer version of myself and I only think I’ve met this version of me because of experiencing some of the lowest moments in my life.

My personal definition of postpartum depression changes every day. In the beginning, right after the birth, I thought I’d be able to bypass it. Yes, I had a traumatic birth (more on that at another time) but I was already on an SSRI medication. I was in therapy. I was in a perinatal support group. The old version of me was a preparer, almost an over-preparer. I created this ecosystem for myself that would not allow me to slip into anything too hard or difficult. I thought I succeeded because for the first 9 months, postpartum I felt okay, for the most part. Yet, I didn’t know of the void that awaited me.

In December 2023, I remember weeping on the floor to the left of my bed alone while my husband took care of our son in another room. They didn’t know what I was doing in taking a moment for myself. I simply told them “I needed a minute” and then walked to the bedroom and closed the door.

I collapsed to the ground and felt, for the first time postpartum, that I could not exist nor could I take care of a child or our family.

I couldn’t avoid postpartum depression and I felt a sense of fear run through my body, because what if I could never come out from under it.

I’ve been depressed before. I think the earliest moments of my experience with depression started in middle school (yet, I only have this awareness now as an adult). I had always lived with the reality of having gone through a difficult childhood. My reckoning with my childhood led me through bouts of depression throughout my life, ultimately leading me to the medication I took through and after the pregnancy.

Somehow, crying alone on the floor in my bedroom felt like entering a portal. There was a chasm that awaited me to walk through it. And even in doing nothing, but laying on the ground, I entered it. I became it and had the task now of living with it.

Perhaps you too are postpartum or in an emotional void due to other circumstances. Part of living through this moment is just that, “living through.” Living through depths like this take time and patience. Here are two reflections. The first is something to think, write, record a note to yourself in the current moment. The second is for 6 months from now. Yes, set a calendar invite for yourself or a reminder to revisit this post and reflect on the second question.

Photo by Simon Berger

Meditation

Reflection for Right Now

1. What sensations can you access in this moment? Maybe it’s nothing, but if there’s something write it down. Make a list, if you can. After you’ve written your list, ask yourself what you feel about these sensations. What comes up for you in sitting with whatever sensory experience you’re having?

Reflection for Six Months from Now

1. What sensations can you access in this particular moment, six months from when you first approached this reflection. Write your list and compare it to the first one you wrote. What differences or similarities do you see? What do these changes tell you about how you’ve lived life over the last 6 months.

I’d love love love to know how this goes for you, so please post your lists, thoughts, reflections about this meditation!

News & Upcoming Events

I’ll be reading poems with Saeed Jones and Porsha Olayiwola in Cambridge in February. Learn more here!

Beautiful Work in the World

Bluest Nude: Poems by Ama Codjoe

[...] by Fady Joudah

Morning After the Election by Regie Cabico

Thank you for reading.

Feel free to share these opportunities with a friend, or encourage a fellow creative to subscribe. Until then connect with me via Bluesky, Instagram, Email, and/or leave a comment below!

P.S. If you’re wondering if I moved Manifest Monthly to Substack, the answer is “yes!” Learn more in my first Substack post!